Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4.
Donna died a week before her sixty-fourth birthday after a long battle with brain cancer. She had been diagnosed a year earlier and treated with radiation. Contrary to the doctors’ predictions, the tumours shrank and then disappeared. Many felt it was an answer to prayer. But several months later she began losing her balance and falling down. The cancer had returned. Donna was hospitalised and given more radiation. This time the tumours didn’t go away and Donna slowly lost contact with her world. When nothing more could be done, she was sent home. The end came quietly a few weeks later.
The months following her diagnosis had been hard on Donna’s family as they prayed for healing, witnessed an amazing recovery and then endured the final ordeal. From the beginning, Donna’s courage and peaceful assurance attested to her faith in God. Her children and grandchildren knew that Donna had no fear of death and that she looked forward to heaven. When the news came that “Nana” had gone to be with Jesus, her four-year-old granddaughter thought for a moment and asked, “So, when’s the celebration?”
As the adult family members mourned the loss of their loved one, they were strengthened by the simple faith of a child who understood the true nature of a Christian’s death. Their sorrow was tempered with knowing that a new inhabitant of Heaven had just entered into God’s glorious presence. Nevertheless, their grief was substantial and deeply felt.
Grief is a natural and inevitable part of life. We encounter it whenever some important part of our life is lost or taken away. It is especially powerful when someone we love dies. Though it will never be a pleasant experience, grief can have a positive rather than negative effect on our lives. By understanding the nature of grief and learning how to manage it, we can be better equipped to cope in times of loss.
Whether you have just experienced a loss or are months removed from one, this booklet will help you understand grief and the grieving process. You’ll also learn how to use your experiences to help others when their times of grief come, as they inevitably will.
The Facts on Grief
To properly understand the part grief plays in our lives it’s important to know what it is and how it affects us. Once you realise that grief is a natural, healthy, self-corrective process that enables you to recover from a terrible emotional wound, you won’t fall prey to the guilt Christians sometimes feel when grieving for a lost loved one. Instead, you’ll agree with the English hymn writer, William Cowper, who said, “Grief is itself medicine.” Likewise, an awareness of the different phases of the grieving process will help you cope with the feelings that occur as time passes. With a new perspective on grief, you will see it as God’s instrument for healing a broken heart.
Grief is deep and intense mental suffering caused by loss. In addition to the death of a loved one, grief can be caused by the loss of anything that we value highly – our health, a personal relationship, a material possession or our job. Even the sense of loss experienced at times of transition – graduating from college, moving to a new town, retiring from a job – can cause grief. However, grief is universally and most deeply experienced following the death of a loved one.
Some have likened grief to a journey across a stormy lake. A loved one’s death launches us into a tempest of emotions. We are surrounded by darkness and heavy waves of anguish. Comforting words are drowned out by the howling winds of sorrow. Loneliness and helplessness are our sailing companions as we navigate toward a new stage in life.
Enduring and emerging from grief is a voyage that takes the griever through various passages on the way to emotional stability and wholeness. Most experts describe grief as a process with phases that every griever passes through. These phases vary in duration and makeup for each individual:
Initial Shock – Numbness, unreality, a feeling that you are watching a movie that will end and everything will be okay these are common sensations in the days and weeks immediately following a devastating loss.
Reality. As the fact of the loss takes hold, deep sorrow sets in accompanied by weeping and other forms of emotional release. Loneliness and depression can also occur in this phase.
Reaction. Anger brought on by feelings of abandonment and helplessness may be directed toward the one who has died or departed, family and friends, doctors and even God. Guilt over perceived failures or unresolved personal issues, listlessness and apathy are all typical reactions.
Recovery. Finally, there comes a point at which the griever begins a gradual return to normalcy. This is a time of adjustment to the new circumstances of life.
Although grief is a temporary state, the amount of time required to reach recovery varies with each individual. While some people may need a year or two to recover, others take less time. In the year following the loss of a loved one, you may experience intense moments of grief, especially on holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. No one other than you can determine the appropriate length of your grieving process.
It is important for you to take adequate time to deal with your loss. Healing a broken heart is a lot like healing a broken leg. Rushing the grief process could hinder your recovery, like taking a cast off before the bone is strong enough to bear weight. You could wind up with other problems if grief is left unresolved. Experts believe that unresolved grief is the basis for many of the ills that plague society, such as divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse and crime.
Grief From God’s Viewpoint
The Bible says there is “a time to weep (mourn) as well as a time to laugh” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Many of the stories in Scripture address the sorrowful moments of life and show how God comforts his children in times of loss. David, a man after God’s own heart, spoke openly and honestly about his grief over the death of his son Absalom and wrote eloquently about experiencing God’s great compassion. Job is a biblical figure who epitomises the grief that accompanies catastrophic loss and the importance of faith in God’s promises. But no where is the interaction of faith and grief better illustrated than in the raising of Lazarus.
No one had greater faith or a better understanding of God’s promise of eternal life than Jesus did, yet he also understood and felt grief. When He arrived at the tomb of Lazarus and witnessed Martha and Mary’s profound grief, Jesus wept (John 11:17-35). Rather than condemn their grief as a sign of weak faith, Jesus joined His friends in mourning. Even though he knew that Lazarus was about to rise from the dead, Jesus was “deeply moved” and “troubled.” His reaction may have been a combination of resentment against the ravages of death (mankind’s fate because of sin (Romans 5:12)) and grief at the loss of his friend. Jesus is a model of faith and human emotion in perfect balance.
Deep faith in Christ does not prevent grief, but it does change the nature of grief when a Christian dies. For those who follow Christ, death is merely the passage way to eternal life (John 5:24). The Apostle Paul said, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). When a Christian dies, we grieve because we have lost his or her presence in this life, but we also rejoice in knowing that our loved one awaits us in Heaven.
For people who reject Christ as Saviour, death is also a passage way, but it leads to another destination. Jesus spoke clearly about the fate of those who reject Him (Matthew 25:31-46, Luke 16:19-31). Death draws a curtain between God and the unbeliever, separating them for all eternity. As Christians, the awful truth of an eternal hell should move us to pray diligently for those we love and seek opportunities to share the gospel with them before it’s too late.
God’s comfort can and will sustain us in our time of grief. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). God blesses us with a love that is greater than we can comprehend. In times of suffering, He beckons us to throw ourselves into His arms and let His presence salve our wounded heart. Invite the Holy Spirit, also called the Comforter, to fill you to overflowing with God’s peace and joy. Even in the midst of grief, you can experience the peace that God gives to you in times of suffering.
Managing Grief
Grief has the power to shake every part of our lives. It can alter our behaviour, rattle our emotions, and scramble our thinking. Relationships with family, friends and co-workers can be easily rocked as we try to cope with fragile feelings and uncertain circumstances.
Even our physical health can be impaired. Because it can be so overwhelming, grief must be managed properly or it will give way to abnormal thoughts and behaviours that will in turn cause other problems.
Recovering from grief encompasses three simultaneous behaviours:
Grieve – Grief is a cup of sorrow. Though it is bitter, you must drink the entire cup and let your grief run its natural course. Trying to deny or repress the pain of grief is unhealthy. Unresolved grief can surface later in life and lead to emotional problems. Allow yourself to feel sorrow.
Believe – Put your faith in all of God’s promises and assurances. You must trust that your good and loving Heavenly Father knows best and that His understanding is perfect.
Receive – God’s desire to give comfort knows no bounds. But we must reach out and accept it. Through prayer and meditation, find a place in God’s presence where He can bathe you in His love and wrap His arms around you as a loving father would his hurting child. Spend time in the Bible and allow the Holy Spirit to minister to your wounded heart with the healing balm of God’s Eternal Word.
Use these scripture verses as guides for meditating on God’s strength, peace and joy and His promises about Heaven:
Philippians 4:13,
Psalm 23
, 1 Thessalonians 4:14,
Revelation 21:4
, Psalm 16:11,
John 14:27
Philippians 4:6-7
, Psalm 34:18
, 2 Corinthians 5:1-9
, Revelation 22:5,
John 14:1-4
, Matthew 13:43
It’s not unusual for a grieving person to suffer significant physical and cognitive difficulties. You may have trouble sleeping, causing you to feel constantly exhausted. Indigestion or lack of appetite may make you want to skip meals, leading to malnourishment and ultimately leading to illness. You may also have difficulty concentrating and remembering things. These are all normal reactions to grief. Recognising them as such, you can still take appropriate actions to minimise them, including using relaxation techniques, spending mealtimes with friends and visiting a counsellor for other strategies to counteract these symptoms.
One of the most difficult tasks for someone who is grieving is adjusting to the new environment without the loved one who has died or departed. When is it appropriate to put away his or her personal effects, make changes to your lifestyle or form new relationships? Those questions can only be answered by you. As time passes and your recovery from grief progresses, you’ll know when the time is right to move in new directions. Ask God to guide you along the path of recovery and He will give you an inner compass for taking the right steps.
Helping Others Through Grief
Our times of sorrow equip us to minister to others when they experience the loss of a loved one. God expects us to learn something from every circumstance in our lives, including grief. As Christians, our purpose in life is to become more like Jesus. That means reaching out to others with compassion and comfort in their time of need and using our experiences and understanding to help them cope with grief (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
First, it’s important to realise that how one grieves depends on personal factors such as background, cultural environment, personality and religious beliefs. How a person is raised often determines the manner in which grief is expressed, the length of the grieving process and the rituals that are part of it. Likewise, an individual’s natural disposition, maturity level and emotional stability influence his or her ability to manage grief. Of course, the presence or absence of religious beliefs also greatly affects how a person grieves. You should take all of these things into account as you try to offer comfort and counsel to a grieving friend.
Here are some other counselling guidelines:
- Before you speak to a grieving friend, pray and ask God for guidance about when to speak and what to say.
- Encourage the griever to talk about his feelings.
- Be a good listener and don’t judge what is said.
- Avoid giving pat answers. Even though they may be biblically sound, the griever may not be ready to receive them.←
- Don’t be a cheerleader. Let the person feel sorrow without implying that he or she should “cheer up” or “be joyful in the Lord.” This could give the impressions that you are questioning the griever’s spirituality.
- Don’t push. Let the griever guide the discussion of grief. Pray for the griever and offer Scripture without preaching when the griever indicates an openness.
- Share the points made above about grieving: it’s natural and healthy; it can be a source of blessing from God; it isn’t a sin. Allow yourself to empathise with the griever – “Weep with those who weep, mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). Do simple things without being asked: cook a meal, take care of the yard, do household chores, etc.
Grief will visit our lives many times because we are loving individuals. The pain of sorrow is an inevitable companion to the joy of living. It is a part of the baggage of trials and tribulations that we must carry through this world. But God has promised His blessings in the midst of pain and His presence in our darkest hours. As we endure grief and the other adversities of life, His Word reminds us that our “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all” (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Resources:
“A Grief Observed”
by C.S.Lewis.
“Beyond Heartache”
by Mari and Jack Hayford.
“Don’t Take My Grief Away”
by Doug Manning.
“Helping people through Grief”
by Dolores Kuenning (for
counsellors).
“Facing Death”
by Billy Graham.
“Good Grief”
by Granger Westberg.
Scripture references are taken form the New American Standard translation of the Bible.
For a great range of online resources, please feel free to visit our new CBN Lounge website at https://www.cbneurope.com/lounge/
Christian Broadcasting Network 2011